this situation…is an incurable thing Katie.” The woman twiddled her fingers nervously before yanking an article from her medical encyclopedia jammed shelf “From what I can see it’s something you’ll just need to learn to cope with.” Counselor woman Brenda stroked the book’s dusty cover then looked up to lock eyes with me. “This, thing, is something you’ll need to be aware of for the rest of your life.”
Like most teens, what I heard was interpreted the way I desired.
When she was speaking my ears heard this: You, Katie, were not only at the wedding. You were the one in white. The one who exchanged vows, a ring and gave her promise to live her life unselfishly bond as one to another. You are now permanently wed to a life married to hell. Congratulations!
(I’m not particularly fond of using marriage as an example but it best describes how I felt.)
At that point I didn’t dare argue with her; who was I to know anything? My teen self told me she had the credentials, brains, insight and therefore the authority to tell me that I would never be “normal” like the rest of the population.
If this woman didn’t have the answer then who would? According to my sources, she was an expert. Who had, for the past five years, dedicated her life to studying my kind. An expert who, according to her frequent sideways glance, made aware to me that I was simply the unfortunate result of a poorly synchronized genome and a mere biology experiment to her (I look back at the situation and catch myself wonderful, “Why was this woman in sociological sciences?). Anyhow, the spotless certification hanging beneath a photo of her suited, venire-wearing husband proved her suitability to counsel me.
If this woman didn’t have the answer then who would?
At this point I was vulnerable, dying, sick and desperate for a solution. As a last resort I turned to the Christians. Unfortunately, so many well-meaning brothers and sisters could offer nothing but revelations similar to the ones my secular counselor shared with me.
“My well meaning brothers and sisters…”
“Katie, it’s something you’ll deal with for the rest of your life.” At this point of I wanted to give in and believe them. There would be less fight if I simply accepted my fate, wallowed in self-pity and allowed myself to succumb to the crashing waves of doubt. Sure, it would have been easier to lie down, shrivel under the slamming gavel and die but the end result would not have been half as satisfying as gaining victory and spitting huge balls of spit into Satan’s grimacing face.
My dear friends, there’s no point in lying to you. Becoming free from addiction was not like strolling through a decadent smelling rose garden. Jesus had to take me through the polluted garbage dumps of wrong beliefs, uproot rotten lies I had been told and heal the infected wounds of my shrapnel pierced heart. He had to show me the truth and was only going to do this if chose to lay my faulty ways of coping desires with my pain. As difficult and scary as it was, I had to make Him the sole purpose of my worship.
“…I had to make Him the sole purpose of my worship.”
I know I have said this in my notes and blog posts a couple of times but I’ll say it once again because I am living proof that it is true. If you choose to accept His gift of freedom, spend time with in His presence and pour your heart out to Him you will start growing in that freedom. He will take you to the nasty smelling places, but will only takes you there for your good.
Speaking of nasty smelling, God has revealed to me that the root of my addiction can be detected by the pungent scent of sin.
What is sin? To sin is to literally miss the mark of God’s holy standards.
That being said, His number one standard and law is to love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul. I have missed that mark in many ways; I admit, I have not loved God with all my heart but have sought acceptance and “love” in many wrong places. Instead of allowing myself to snuggle into the arms of my loving Father I have placed myself in testy situations with those who don’t love me for my heart. I acknowledge that my “missing the mark” has hurt me in many ways.
In hindsight I realize I should have run to God with my deep pain and should have not relied solely on people. As a result of my huge expectations relationships were never completely satisfactory. Despite receiving the attention I craved, the insatiable desire for acceptance was not relinquished. I thought their love would fix everything.
Boy, I was ever wrong.
Peter, in 1 Peter 5:7, tell us to cast all of our cares on the Lord because He cares for us.
I have learnt through trial and error what the best way is. I now know why turning to food and/or people for comfort will never satisfy like the bread of life.
They were not my Savior.
Now when faced with trial and pain I turn to His Word and overwhelmingly peaceful presence. When I’m in this spot I can bask in His acceptance of me, read Psalms, sit in silence with Him, ask questions and grin from ear to ear as He fills that otherwise insatiable void within my heart. The great thing about spending time with Yahweh is that it is guilt free and I always leave feeling like I am prepared to pour into the lives that surround me. In turn, because He fills me with His joy, people choose to stick around. Because I am a friend to others they reciprocate the love. Friendship is an excellent opportunity to pour into people; it’s a time to learn, be refreshed and act crazy as well.
“Friendship is an excellent opportunity to pour into people.”
I pray that you, instead of turning to things that offer momentary pleasure, will run towards our merciful Lord. Run towards Him with your deepest feelings of guilt, loneliness, worry and pain.
When it seems like there’s not a soul in the world who cares about or understands the situation you’re going through…
Crawl into His arms like a trusting child; He is the only One who has always cared; He is the only One who always will.
He is the only hope and truth.